We were having one of our more severe Northeast winters. It seemed like every other day or so would bring another cropping of snow with it’s customary pleasures: An-other round of shoveling out the cars only to find stalling batteries. Long lines at the su-permarket as desperate hordes descended on the scene in a mad fight for yet another con-tainer of milk — as if all the cows had finally run dry and there would be no more milk ever again. Repeated trips to the dry cleaners in a vain attempt to keep more than one suit clean of the mess. Watching every bad movie available at the video store, over and over again — the ones you wouldn’t waste a dollar to see at the theater —to the point where you start saying the lines along with the muscle-bound villain, in fact you start routing for the villain as desperation sets in as you look out the winter only to see Mother Nature dump another two feet of snow on the ground.
The warmest room in my home was my workroom, and that winter I spent a great deal of time in it, mostly working with my computer, and cruising the Internet. One day, after having surfed Microsoft to load down the latest software fix, I was staring the home page of my browser, wondering where to go next when the computer seemed to spring to life. My hands were off the keyboard, but suddenly the address of a new location was being typed on my browser:
http://www.god.heaven
And the computer screen jumped to that site. There I saw a simple white screen that said nothing more than:
GOOD MORNING
followed by a button that read:
PRESS HERE
I pressed the button.
Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder and a bright flash of light. And in that thunder, I could swear that I heard someone calling my name.
“Here I am,” I answered.
“Good,” came the response in a deep bass voice that seemed to shake the tree and the earth around me so much that I was forced to my knees.
What’s going on? I thought.
As if reading my thoughts, the voice answered out of the thunder, “Don’t you get it? This is God. Jehovah, Yahweh, Allah, Ahura Mazda, Great Spirit, Brahma-Shiva-Vishnu, ‘I am that I am’, the Father-Son-Holy Ghost. I don’t care what you want to call me. Listen, I’ve decided it’s time to put my foot down. Of course, I’m speaking meta-phorically since I don’t really have a foot. The human race has had thousands of years to get it together, and you keep getting the damn thing wrong! That wasn’t such a big deal when it only affected your own kind, but now you’re at the point where this blind stupidity of yours threatens all life on your planet! So, I’ve decide to tell you my side of the story once and for all, and I want you to take it down.”
“God? Come on, why would God talk to me?”
“Why would God talk to you? Haven’t you read your Bible where it says I picked Abraham, a nothing sheepherder, to found a great nation if he followed my ways. Moses, a tongue-tied runaway from an Egyptian murder rap, to lead the Jews to the promise land, and Paul, Saul (he could never make up his mind)—an epileptic misogynist! A nice Jewish girl from a backwater town in Judah to give birth to my only son! You want more? The Qur’an states that I sent the angel Gabriel to Mohammed—a trader, a businessman, for a change!—to tell him my holy word. What in heaven’s name was so special about any of them? I can pick anyone I want—saint, sinner or nebbish!”
“Well, thanks, I guess. But, don’t you usually work out of places like Jerusalem? Who’s going to believe anything that comes out of New York?”
“Haven’t you heard of Mormonism? Anyway, why believe anything that comes out of Jerusalem? A book is a book. And look at the mess your world’s made out of the Jerusalem writings, not to mention the Mecca writings, the Rajagrha writings, and so on and so on.”
“Well, maybe California—?”
“Oh no, I’m not messing around with any of that New Age crap. Are you for re-al? Besides, the only religion that comes out of California is television and movies. No, they’re too busy worshipping each other out there to pay any attention to me. Now no more arguments, let’s get started.”
Another flash of light and I saw a fireball come streaking down from the center of the swirling clouds to land before me. As it hit the grass, it immediately stopped burning and revealed a state-of-the-art laptop. I picked it up, turned it on, and so began the first of many sessions that make up the text of what you are about to read.
Given what follows, I must remind the reader that I am merely the conduit of these chapters. They were written down exactly as they were spoken to me at numerous oc-casions over a period of a year. Unlike the usual editorial processes, I have not altered the text in any way.
I wouldn’t dare!
(c) Copyright 2012 All Rights Reserved
I'M GOD AND YOU'RE NOT 
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Thanks for the kind words. I am very open to discussion on point raised ithe book. In later (and still unpublished on this site) parts of the book, you will find political satire, conspiracy theory satire, and much more. Not to say that I actually “believe” these “re-writings” of the Old Testament presented here, but feel free to comment as you see fit. I’ll try to be more current in responding.
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Thanks for the note. For the book, I always start with the Bible itself and makes some notes about the section I’m working on. I usually check to see if there is any current research that would relate to that story or theories about it. So my sources are as varied as reporting from news sources, social sciences, earth science, religious sources, etc. In a couple of cases, where the story is leading more to straight humor (as in the contest between Cain and Abel), I just let inspiration take hold.
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Thanks. I never really thought of guess writers, but if you would like to submit something for posting please let me know and I will probably okay that. You can also elaborate by leaving comments.
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