Well, now we get to Creation. Oh, I readily admit I’ve made my share of mistakes in this Creation thing (yes, I know some of you think your own human race is my biggest mistake, but let’s drop that for now). Hey, I was learning as I go. I mean, it’s not like I had a Do-It-Yourself Build Your Own Creation book to follow, did I? Hey, even this God thing…I’m a self-taught God. Do you think I had a Mommy God and a Daddy God to tell me, “Now Son, bubonic plague was a very naughty thing to do. You go right to your room with out any supper. And no TV tonight, you’re grounded!”?
In a certain respect, I’m much like you. Think about yourself. How much do you really understand, really know about yourself? What makes you tick? No matter how much you think you know…in the end, the hardest thing is to know yourself. It’s like ….hmm….you have an abstract idea of what love is, but you can’t really know what it feels like until it happens to you. You can’t truly know what it is to be frightened, or an-gry, or sad until you feel those emotions. Or, the difference between reading about sex and actually having it!!!!
Here I was, knowing everything in an abstract way, but not having the concrete experience of everything. Knowing I was God, but what exactly did being God mean?
I had to learn how to be God!
Because why on earth would I bother to create the universe? There I was, omnis-cient, omnipresent, omnipotent, omni–this-that-and-the-other, minding my own business and the next thing you know, I’m doing construction work. And, as I already said, like any first time handy man, I learnt as I went—so, I suppose some parts turned out better than others. Of course, that’s all a matter of opinion, anyhow.
But, what actually made me do it? Did I wake up one morning and say to myself, “Boy, I feel great today. Think I’ll go out there and invent—Everything”? Well…hold on to your hats — because you may not like this one!
The number of stories you tell about why humanity was created is as numerous as the inhabited planets in the Universe. Which leads me to point out one thing first — sor-ry it wasn’t for your sake. You are not the perfect result of my infinite plan, although you are part of it.
And to think of the theories that were and are going around about what God is and what I want from creation!
They’re all wrong, you know. Up in heaven we heard them all and made up names for them. And I and the Heavenly Hosts would just like to share with you a few of our favorite human theories about God and the nature of the Universe:
- The Exis-pectorant Theory – The Universe was created when God accidentally spit up a wad of phlegm.
- Unintelligent Design – The world is too complex to have happened by happen-chance. Some intelligent mind must be behind it all. This mind is criminally insane.
- The Scientific Method Theory – God is a scientist. The earth is contained in an enclosed sphere. Here, God performs various experiments—for example, what would be the effect of exposing human babies to encephalitis.
- The “What? Another Rerun?” Theory (later called the “We’ve got 125 crea-tions on this box and we still can’t find nothing good to watch” Theory) – God originally was very hands on, creating and interfacing with his creatures. Then, he just got bored with the whole same old stuff day after day. So, he went away. The 21st century version is that he’s busy channel surfing other creations hoping to find one that’s interesting.
- The Siesta Theory – God created the world, but the reason he’s so silent lately is that He’s in the middle of a good nap.
- The Vacation Theory – Because of the pressures of the job, God is currently taking a 5-eon vacation on his own private planet.
- The Lennon Theory – “God is a concept by which we measure our pain”. —whatever the hell is that is supposed to mean! Some hold that this theory should actually be “Pain is a concept by which we measure our God”. Is that any clearer?
- The Twilight Zone Theory – God created the world. Then he rested. He is now busy praying to His own God.
- Theory Zzzzzzzz – This is all a dream God is having. No one is sure whether God is having a nightmare or not, but please, somebody wake him up!
- The Black is White theory – The universe is evil, therefore it had to be created by Satan3
- The Dumb T-Shirt Theory– Frankly, my dear, God doesn’t give a damn.
- The “I Love You, You Love Me” Theory – God is a big fat purple dinosaur. This explains much about how the world works.
- The Capitalism theory – God is money. Money is God.4
- The “Wanna Bet?” Theory – A particular human (call him Pharaoh, Emperor, King, Dictator, etc) is God. Why? Because he says so. Since this human has a lot of soldiers supporting him, his divinity is taken as a matter of faith (“If you don’t believe I’m God, you can take it in good faith that I’ll have you killed’). There is a way to really prove whether the human is God—namely, stab him, hit him over the head with a boul-der, throw him into an active volcano. Oops, son of a bitch is dead, ain’t he? Good, now we can pray to him in heaven. Gee, the damn bastard seems awfully quiet now. Hm….
- The “Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bi-sexual, Trans-sexual, A-sexual, Sexual” Theory– Of which there are four variations:
- God is a man. That explains everything! (This version is advanced by men)
- God is a woman. That explains everything! (This version is advanced by women)
- God is a woman. That explains everything! (This version is advanced by men who think the world is really screwed up)
- God is a man. That explains everything! (This version is advanced by women who think the world is really screwed up)
- The “Eeeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe” Theory .Sometimes called the “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t” Theory. Also known as the “My God’s Better Than Your God, Even Though He’s the Same” Theory. – There is one and only one God. God wants us all to love one another as brothers and sisters. Therefore, He revealed him-self differently to many prophets over the centuries so that there would many different religions, all calling Him by different names, and each one claiming to have the sole and only full-realized truth about God and what He wants. And because God is Love, He wants the followers of the one and true religion to totally destroy the followers of the other one and true religions, because they are damned for worshipping the one God under a different name and truth. And while that’s going on, within the one and true religion there are variations of that one fully-realized truth—so God wants the few who really, truly understand the truth of that religion to destroy other members of the same religion who may have a slightly different interpretation of that same truth—and yes, they are damned as well.One legend that came out of this theory is that once upon a time, Yahweh, Jesus, and Allah got together one day and decided to divide up a good portion of humanity be-tween them. They placed bets over how long it would take their followers to wipe each other out— and which of the three religions founded in their name would emerge (if any) as the final sole winner. These three manifestations of God spend most of their time sit-ting around Heaven laughing their heads off.
- The “I am He as You are He…” (a.k.a. “I am the Walrus” or “What is, is; What isn’t, isn’t”) Theory – -All living things constitute God. And the Universe as you know it is merely an agreement between all living things. Another way to put it is that merely by your existing, you have agreed to the way the Universe works. That makes You the putz who put all this together. Don’t you feel like a real schmuck!
- The “Oops, God is dead. Miss him, Miss. Him.” Theory – In the beginning there was a God. But He was so busy texting that He wasn’t watching where He was going, got hit by a passing Angel in a runaway Universe, and fell through a hole in reality.
- The “If I Think Too Hard About This, My Brain Gets All Wobbly and Wants to Throw Up” Theory – Man is but a tiny speck floating on an electron (the Earth) around the nucleus (the Sun) of an atom ( the Solar System) which in turn is part of a compound (the Milky Way Galaxy) that is part of a cell (the Universe) that makes of the body (the sum total of all Universes) of God, who in turn is a speck on an elec-tron….etc., etc., …which makes of the body of His God, which in turn is a speck…and so on and so forth ad infinitum. And within each living creature on earth is a sum total of universes that make up its cells; each cell in turn consisting of the sum total of its galaxies (compounds) which consists of atoms (solar systems) which have a nucleus (a Sun) around which circle electrons (planets) upon which are living creatures who…etc., etc., and so on ad infinitorum.
- The “It’s as Good as Any Other Theory” or The “Your Guess is as Good as Mine” Theory– The Universe rests on a serving tray. The serving tray rests on the back of a blue whale. The blue whale rests on the tail of a gigantic red rain dragon. In turn, an elephant balances the rain dragon on its four legs. The elephant’s back rests on a sphinx. The sphinx rests on the back of a camel. The camel rests on a walrus. The walrus rests on the wings of a condor. The condor rests on the back of a Gila monster. The Gila monster rests on the back of a platypus. The platypus rests on the back of a boa constrictor. The boa constrictor rests on top of a flounder. The flounder rests on top of a Coolibah tree. The Coolibah tree sits on top of a slimly toad. The slimy toad rests on top of a praying mantis. The praying mantis sits on top of a cucumber slice. The cucumber slice rests on the top of a kumquat.The kumquat rests on a pebble.The pebble wobbles a lot.5
So, let’s go back to the beginning. And I mean that in a non-Biblical sense. For-get about the earth being unformed and void thing; I’m going back to when everything was unformed and void. I was self-contained. All past, present, and future existed in my unchanging omnipresence. There was nothing except Me, drifting in an eternity com-posed only of Me. And this pretty well went on for oh-let’s say billions and billions and billions of your earth years, as I contemplated myself.
And then, I had a Thought. It was quite a curious Thought, this first Thought of eternity. For it occurred to me that in all this contemplation of myself, there was one thing I did not know: what did I look like? If there was nothing there but me, than this was an unanswerable question. You might even argue that it was a meaningless question, but still, that’s what I thought. Now, you of course understand that there were no mirrors back then. I mean, I hadn’t even created the cosmos yet, let alone even contemplate what a mirror was. So, I decided to create something that would be outside myself — an other, if you like. So I created the first thing.
Now, here’s the funny thing: I had created this “thing”—for lack of a better word—but it had no substance. It was like a concept, an idea of something. After all, this was before I came up with matter or energy, and Einstein’s theory didn’t exist yet (not to mention Einstein). So, this thing had no form.
“Hello?” I said to the thing.
There was a momentary pause, then this thing replied, “and a ‘hello’ to you, too. What am I, anyway?”
“Well, I hadn’t thought of that. It seems stupid to just say, you’re a thing. I know I’m going to create more things, different things, so I need to call your type of thing something other than just a thing or I can tell we’re just going to get more and more confused. Ah, I think we will say that your type of thing is called an ‘angel’.”
The thing thought for a second. “Okay, I kind of like the sound of that. ‘An-gel’. Sounds like something light and airy. Now, what do I call you? What’s your name?”
Name? Now, that was an interesting concept. I had no name since I never had to refer to myself before this. I chuckled.
“What would you like to call me?” I asked. “Why don’t you give me a name.” I was curious to see what the angel would come up with.
The angel was silent for a while. “I think, “ it said finally, “I shall call you ‘Lord’.”
“’Lord’? Why Lord?”
“Why not? It’s the first thing that occurred to me. I thought of a few other names: ‘cat’, ‘kumquat’,’ antidisestablishmentarianism’, ‘Bob’, ‘Microsoft’, but I don’t know. I just like the sound of it: L-o-r-d!”
I chewed on this for a while. “Yes,” I agreed, “ that will do nicely. It does have a nice ring to it. But, now, my angel, what is your name to be?”
The angel answered without hesitation, “Lucifer”.
Lucifer and I proceeded to have a nice meeting of the minds, and I quickly grew fond of my first creation, and I did indeed go on to create many, many more angels. For instance, there were Michael, Azareal, Beelzebub, Belial, Iblis, Asmodeus, Raphael, Ga-briel, Uriel — all created in perfection by my thought.
And things went on merrily for quite sometime.
3For some reason, this seems to be Lucifer’s favorite theory. Though he’s not so hot about the evil part. And hang on, you’ll meet Lucifer in a couple of pages.
4This happens to be the true religion of most of the inhabitants of an area known as the United States.
5That pebble business is really a lot closer to the truth than you may think!
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