Category satire

AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM A SPECIAL GUEST

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While our normal commentator is busy with other maters, we bring you a very special guest with an important message:

Hi, you all!  Lucifer, the morning star,  light-bringer, Satanall, the Dragon, the Devil, good old Satan to most of you.  Oh yes, also sometimes called the “Prince of this World’—and don’t I wish I were!  Boy, things would be a hell (no pun intended) of a lot different around here, believe me.

First of all, let’s get it straight.  This whole evil, thing.  Not me.  Not my job (again, no pun intended for those of you who read the book).  Really, it’s all a big misunderstanding.  Hey, blame the prophet Zarathustra for coming up with the whole idea of two opposing entities in the Universe, Ahura Mazda ( “the Good Lord”) and Angra Mainyu (“the Evil Spirit”) or Ahrinan.  Later, when the Jews had been conquered by the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar and exiled there, they took over the idea.  Then, some bozo had to go translate the  Hebrew word הֵילֵל in Isaiah (Isaiah 14:12) as “Lucifer” in the King James Bible.

I mean, there I was–minding God’s business like a good angel should–helping him become an even better God by pointing out where He might be going wrong–you know, playing devil’s advocate (damn, this unintentional puns–can’t escape them, can you?)–and then one day—zap, I’m suddenly this evil, horrible creature trying to seduce His creation into evil.

What are you people anyway?  You’re not all Donald Trumps–nothing is ever your fault, it’s always someone trying to ruin your good name. Hello!  Take some goddamn responsibility for yourselves, humanity.  I’m not the one blowing up children and mothers as you keep finding newer and more sadistic ways of destroying each other.  It’s not me that makes idiot fanatics crash cars and trucks into innocent bystanders in a perverted sense of what makes God great.  I am not the one who makes you rape.  I’m not the one who thinks that it’s okay to build more and more weapons of destruction at the cost of food, medicine, and shelter for the poor and the weak.  I do not plunder and destroy this beautiful planet–the only home you have–in the name of profit.

I am not the one who puts greed and indifference over the value of a human life.

I am not he who condemns others to hell (in this world or in the next) because their skin color is not mine, their land of origin is different than mine, their culture and beliefs seem strange to me., or because they call God by a different name that I do.   I am not the one going to your churches, mosques, synagogues to pray to your God in self-righteousness when you continually break the first and only important rule of all religions: “Do to others as you would have them do to you“.

Stop blaming me.  I’m not the Devil of this world–You are! Do not keep listening to your fears and the whispers of men (not me!) who would keep you in darkness for their own advantage. Do not give into the worst side of your spirit when God infused you with the light to bring forth heaven on this poor planet.

The world is only made what it is by your actions

The world can only be made holy by listening to your heart.

Thank you for listening,

Lucifer

Leave Me Out of This Yet Again!!!

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There’s an awful lot of insanity going around in your world leaders lately.  We look down on you from the Heavens and can only shake our heads.  Even some of the angels have come to me and expressed their dismay—-perhaps, they say, we’d be better off just blowing the whole thing up and starting over again with slugs this time.

What is really getting my goat right now is this craziness between the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, and the leader of the United States, Donald Trump:  two little men with major penis insecurities.  As each one dares the other to start something neither one of them can control, it looks like the world can do nothing but hold it’s breath, and wait.  And yes, we’re really getting bombarded up here with all the prayers for some kind of divine intervention.   I sympathize–it’s ludicrous that the innocents of the world have to cower in fear while these two putzes  haven’t the brains to deal with their crotch itch.

Sorry, but I’m not pulling miracles out of my hat.  You’re supposed to be all grown up, humanity–well, at least most of you are–so deal with it.  As I said in my last post, it’s your mess, take some damn responsibility.

And to those fake preachers, prophets, and men of war (you know those men  of war, the ones who either sat out the last one hiding in a basement,  avoided serving when it was their turn through carefully faking the need for deferments –after all, they had more important things to do–or simply enjoy the fake glory of watching young men and women die for their stupidity), let’s get this straight:

Where in My name do you come off saying I authorized one of your jerks to annihilate the other?  You do know that most people who claim God speaks directly to them belong in the psych ward and should be heavily sedated? Or did I come down from the clouds, disrupt all your television, radio, and Internet, and broadcast out :  Go get the son-of-a-bitch?  How many times do I have to tell you that, despite what you read in your so-called holy books, I don’t need you to destroy anyone!  If I want someone killed, I’ll do jt myself.  I’m a big God, you know!  

Now leave each other alone and stop being the great embarrassment of Creation.

(Maybe I should have gone with slugs in the first place)

 

 

 

 

 

Leave Me Out of This

I'm God and You're Not 1 Comment

One of the disadvantages of being God is that you wind up getting blamed for things you didn’t have anything to do with (like sending floods to show my divine wrath), and then you get thanked for doing things that no self-respecting God would have any part of.

Let’s get this straight.  Stop saying that I had anything to do with your elections, who the candidates were, and more importantly don’t say I sent the winner to you.  I mean, look–just look at who you have running your countries!  Do you think I’m out of my ever-loving mind?!  You people claim you follow me, that you are good Christians, Jews, what-ever, and then you go out of your way to elect idiots who do everything in their power to betray what I stand for.

And further more, those kings and queens and such do NOT rule by any divine right.  They are just ordinary people who’s ancestors managed to pillage and rape enough to become powerful enough to do whatever the hell (and I do mean, hell) they wanted.

So, please, especially you Americans, cut it out!  I hate getting political about this, but don’t blame me for that person in the White House.  You did that by yourself, rightly or wrongly.

Though if I were you, I’d be praying that I have mercy on your poor souls.

Do Americans have a god-given right to have guns?

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Among the arguments given by the NRA and pro-gun lobby in their fight against gun control is the claim that the right to have guns is God-given. Now, I read through the Bible and found no mention of guns so I was wondering where this belief came from. Taking as few months to peruse the archival records in Europe and Asia, and consulting with experts at the Vatican and various Biblical scholars in Israel and elsewhere I was able to obtain access to the only copy of the Epistle of John to the NRA and found the reference, which I have been given permission to quote as below

Continue reading “Do Americans have a god-given right to have guns?” →

Dr Pepper’s new ‘evolution’ ad: Offensive to Christians?

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Ever think the anti-evolutionists take things too far?

From The Week web site: Dr Pepper’s new ‘evolution’ ad: Offensive to Christians? – The Week.

My favorite thing is the comment one person wrote about this:

“I ain’t no freaking chimp.”

No he isn’t…that would be an insult to the chimp...the chimp uses his brain.

Frankly, I’m a Coke man myself.  (Okay, maybe an occasional Root Beer)